


I need you

by Yuulina_vre



Series: I Love you no matter what [4]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Accidents, Broken Bones, Concussions, Crying, Fights, Fluff and Angst, Guilt, Head Injury, Injury, Light Angst, M/M, Men Crying, injured
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-14
Updated: 2018-08-14
Packaged: 2019-06-27 11:48:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15684831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yuulina_vre/pseuds/Yuulina_vre
Summary: When Logan and James get into a fight, things happen. How can you forgive yourself if you almost kill what you love? That's something Logan has to find out.





	I need you

Logan was furious. He had visited James at his dorm to take him out. He wanted to go and see a movie with him, so they could finally see each other after a month again. Lately James and Logan hadn’t really seen each other as often as Logan would like to and it made him feel a little lonely. Now they were standing in the stairwell of the dorms next to the stairs and Logan’s full anger burst out, not caring who would hear him shout at James.

“Why can’t you just once do something other than playing games? I hate that! Why can’t you just one time spend your day with me?”

“You told me to study for my exams and all for about a month now. I just want some free time, too. I have friends who want do things with me as well, Logan.” James voice was almost a whisper. He was shrunken into himself, which made him look small and vulnerable.

“Then why don’t you go and date someone of them? I didn’t saw you the whole month. We just texted and called each other and I’m tired of that.” Logan took a step forward. His scream lets James wince, so he took a step back. It all happens in a flash of a second. Logan saw James foot stepped into the air and he wants to scream. At the same time James feels his mistake, and he knows that he missed the first step of the stairs. He felt himself trip into the empty air, and how he falls. The cracking of bones sounded loud through the stairwell. James saw Logan’s shocked face and his outstretched hand which should have grabbed him but missed him about one centimeter. And then he saw one step right in front his eyes and everything went black.

Logan stared down at the man who lays limb at the end of the staircase. It took him two seconds to realize what just happens. „No. No, no, no. James!” He jumped down the stairs to his boyfriend and knelt beside him. His hands hover over him, afraid to touch the body and to create more damage. James was pale and looked like a dead man. His right arm was stretched out in an angle which just looked not right. Blood was on his temples and made a puddle on the floor. Tears filled Logan’s eyes. „No. James;? I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to shout at you. Please forgive me.” Sobs wrecked through his body and his sight blurred, his voice was only a whispered breath. „Please. Wake up.” He just sat there and stared down at him, tears falling down his cheeks and pleading for James to wake up, to say something or at least to prove that he was alive. He didn’t even register other students’ to join him. One boy called an ambulance and two others sat by Logan’s’ side. The girl to his left tried to talk to him, but he didn’t hear a thing, so she just wrapped her arms around his shoulders and guided his face to her shoulder where he just cried and grabbed at her arms. Another girl on his left tried to figure out James injuries while the boy called the ambulance. Logan didn’t register anything of that. He just knows that his boyfriend was dead. And it was _his_ fault. He would never see him again, hold him and cuddle him. After everything, they had gone through, after everything _James_ had to go through as a child, he had killed him, because he was jealous that he hadn’t seen him. He would never kiss his tears away or see him smile this little smile which was only for him. He had lost all that because he felt left alone, because James wanted to play instead of going out with him to watch a movie, he, if he was honestly, didn’t even wants to see himself. “I need you.”

 

* * *

 

Logan sat there in the waiting area. He had called James mother, and she said she was on her way. It would take her just a few minutes to stop at the hospital. Logan didn’t know what to do now. He wanted to know how James is doing, he wanted to go back and stop himself from yelling, and he wanted to leave. He knew that was impossible, at least until James’ mother would arrive, and he knew if he would life. But yes, he wanted to leave. To turn his back on everything and make sure he would never be the reason why James is hurt again. Even if it means to from his own love for him, he has to leave. I was better that way and maybe James was able to find the person he is destined to be with. “Oh my god, Logan:” A woman rushed to him and threw her short arms around his shoulders. He didn’t need to look up to know that it is a red haired woman who just looks so much like her son.  He buries his head for a second in her shoulder before he looked up. Her eyes were red as she took a step back. She had cried. Of course, she had. It was her son who was dying right now. “Is- Is he okay? Are you okay? What happened?” She looked directly into his eyes and it took Logan all his willpower to not turn his gaze away from her. Guilt and numbness filled him to the bones. “We had a fight and he - I’m sorry.” Tears leaked from his eyes, and he buried his face in his hands. Mrs. Lawrence took a seat right beside him and laid a hand on his shoulder. “He tripped and fell down the stairs. Just because of me, because I yelled at him. How could I yell at him? I’m sorry.” The hand moved from his shoulder to his back and runs a pattern there. “Don’t be sorry if it was an accident. You didn’t mean for him to get hurt. Yes, he can’t handle yelling very good because of what happened back in his childhood, but he has to learn it eventually. I’m sure when I say that he gladly learns to cope with it if it’s you.” She gave him a small, sad smile. “Did you talk to the doctors?” Logan shakes his head no and goes back to burying his face. “I- I don’t think I can do this. It- It’s too much.” Logan felt her eyes on him, but he didn’t look up again. Instead, he listens to the quiet noises in the waiting room and the steady shuffling and shouting on the hall outside. He didn’t know how long he sat there with James’ mothers hand o his back, but sometime much later one of the doctors came into the room. “James Lawrence?”

“Yes! That’s me- us. I mean us.” Logan jumped to his feet and practically runs up to him. “Okay. And you are?”

“He’s his boyfriend and I’m his mother.” Mrs. Lawrence laid her and on James arm. He just stared at the doctor and waited for him to say something. “Okay. Well. Surgery went well so far, but there are certain things I would like to discuss with you. It probably would be better if you take a seat again.” The doctor directed his gaze at Logan. He felt like all his blood had run dry. He could feel how he went pale, so he followed the device and sat back on his chair, legs nervously pushing up and down. James’ mother took her seat as well. Logan looked up for a brief moment and couldn’t help it than to ask himself how she could be so calm at such a moment. He knew that James was in hospital more than people should be, but could she really be this calm? “So. He had a few broken rips and his arm is broken as well. We took care of it so it should heal normal. But his head injury is more serious.”

“What do you mean serious?” Logan began to be more nervous that he thought would be possible. He looked back and forth between the woman and that doctor. “He has a concussion, which is not as bad as we expected it to be, but he has an inner hemorrhage as well. We tried to take care of it and it should be okay now. The problem is that he didn’t wake up now, and he should be awake since, at least, an hour. I’m sorry to say this, but I would recommend that you prepare for the worst. There is a possible chance that the damage is more than we can see and that he never wakes up. If he does, there is also a possibility that he suffers from amnesia. We can’t say for sure.” Logan’s heart stopped beating, he felt like he could die at that moment. “So you- Do you mean it’s possible that he- that he dies?”

“I’m afraid that it is a possibility, yes. It also could be a coma. We have to keep watch over him the next few days to be sure about that.” Logan just nodded slowly. He wasn’t capable to process what he just heard. All he could think of was that it was his fault. It was his fault that James might die.

The doctor talked father with James’ mother but Logan couldn’t focus on anything. He felt empty and numb. He wasn’t able to think of the important things. He didn’t register as the doctor left and Mrs. Lawrence got up. He felt her hand on his shoulder, and he looked up. She had a small smile on her lips. “He said we can visit him now.” He looked her into the eyes and shook his head slowly. “I can’t.” She looked confused at him. “What do you mean you can’t?”

“I can’t look at him. It’s my fault. I- I’m- Please tell him I’m sorry. I can’t see him.” He rose from his chair and walked past the woman who looked still confused and heartbroken. He left the hospital in a haze. He couldn’t remember how he got into his car or how he even managed to get home without an accident.

Logan sat on his couch or laid buried under his blanket in his bed. He didn’t go to classes or to work and didn’t answer any calls or massages. He didn’t even get the door when his friends knocked to look if he even was alive. The brunette just wanted to forget everything. The ache, the last few days, the fight, the love. James. But he knew it was his fault and that he has to suffer with it for the rest of his life, so it would be better for him if he never sees anybody again.

 

* * *

 

“James?!“ For one second Logan’s eyes lit up before they got dull again. “What are you doing here? You shouldn’t be here. Please leave.” He turned and didn’t see James face fall. He tried to close the door but James stepped between the door and the frame. “No. Logan. We have to talk about what happened. My mother had to tell you that you don’t want to see me. You didn’t even bothered to look at any of my massages.”

“There is nothing to talk about. Not anymore.”

“So you already set your mind. You don’t want to see me again and you don’t even want to know my thoughts?”

“Correct.” Logan walked through the hall but James grabbed a handful of his shirt and pulled him back. “I want you to listen to me! You owe me that much, Logan.”

“And what’s then? You’re going to tell me that it’s not my fault. That it was just an accident and that you’re okay?” His voice raised, and he felt tears of anger and fear in his eyes. “It’s not, James. You’re not okay- You broke your arm and some ribs. You also got a bad head injury. I don’t even know how you can even stand here and talk to me. What happened didn’t was just an accident. I- If I didn’t have shouted, if I.- No matter what you say it is my fault.“ He slapped his hand away with a force he didn’t intend on. He saw James flinch away and backed back himself. The tears were falling now. “There you see it. I already hurt you once and just now I did it again. We- You should-I think we should just break up. You should go and find someone who can love you without hurting you.” Sobs made it difficult for him to speak properly. “You should find someone better than me.” His voice now was barely more than a whisper. A small moment he looked in James eyes, who were stunned in front of him. Then he turned to let him stay where he was. The next moment he felt someone tackle him down, and he landed hard on his carpet. “What the fuck, James!”

“YOU’RE GOING TO LISTEN TO ME! Fuck.” He paused to take a deep breath before he spoke again, his forehead on Logan’s back. Logan felt James face in his back and tears, which drenched his shirt. “It _was_ an accident. No matter what you say. If you want to blame yourself, then do it. But no matter what you think I refuse to blame you. I refuse to break up and I absolutely refuse that you reject me!”

“It would be better if-“

“Better for whom? You or me? I just want to be with you. I never blamed you and I won’t start now. You said if you hadn’t shouted it wouldn’t have happened. But if I didn’t have refused to go with you, you didn’t even have a reason to shout. So it is my fault, too.” Logan felt James tremble and his ragged breath which came in short puffs. He started to worry about his asthma and wanted to say something but James spoke up again. “I was so sad as I woke up and the only person I wanted to see wasn’t there and didn’t come to visit me the days after. I felt guilty. I thought you were still mad at me. I’m sorry. Please don’t leave me alone. Please.” He was whimpering and it broke Logan’s heart further. He tried to turn around and look at the other man. But James tightens his grip on Logan’s arms. Logan just grabbed one of his hands and removed it gently but with a little force which made James whimpers louder. He managed to turn around and found himself hugging James as tight as he dared without hurting him more. “It’s okay. I’m sorry James.” Logan let his head hit the carpet as he held his crying friend in his arms. His own tears fall down his cheeks. It takes a moment before he could speak again. “I didn’t want to leave you either. I’m just- just afraid of hurting you. I thought you died there. And then the doctor said- He said it would be possible that you would never wake up or that you had a bad brain damage and I just thought it was my fault, that I did that to you. I thought you would be better doing without me. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” They both laid there crying for some time then James looked up at him. “Say that you won’t leave me, you won’t hurt me and you love me.” Logan stiffed but spoke slowly. “I won’t leave you. And I won’t-I won’t- h-hurt you. I love you.”

“Then there’s nothing to worry about.” James smiled and oh how Logan had missed this little smile he got. He reached up to cup James cheeks and buries his face in James hair. James slung his arms around him and nuzzled in the crook of Logan’s throat and even planted a small kiss there. “I love you, Logan. No matter what happens I love you. And I won’t let go of you so easily. You better remember that.”

“I do. I love you, too.” Now after a week Logan felt himself smile again.

 


End file.
